Don’t you just love Aussie jokes?
Pure Aussie joke: Creation
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf , drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good …. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
We love Sydney because …
You make over $100,000 per year and still can’t afford a house.
You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.
You order organic fruit and vegies online, but eat out every night anyway.
You spent more money on your coffee machine than on your washing machine.
You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour/beach views and European Appliances; and then spend a total of 40 hours each week there (of which 37 are spent sleeping).
You spend 30 minutes in a traffic jam next to a car with more power to its speakers than its wheels.
You know everyone’s e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or home address.
You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe under lock and key…but couldn’t roast a chicken to save your life.
Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he moved to Australia.
Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings but none are visible.
You can’t remember….is dope illegal?
You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Italian or building your own website.
A man in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps gets on the bus and you don’t notice.
You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born in Sydney (but then, they are Swiss/Thai/Brazilian).
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon Lady is a drag queen.
Diary of a Perth Summer
August 31st: Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected.
October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and theAC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th: It’s 35 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place.
November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th: The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat.
November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f*cking kidding me!!
Typical males
A bloke’s wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast while they were diving, he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says…”Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news”.
“Well,” says the bloke…”I guess I’d better have the bad news first?”The Sarge says…
“I’m really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says…”Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.” He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
“Geez thanks…They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that…… So what’s the other possible good news?
“Well”, the Sarge says…”if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again…
Down Under
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
“What the hell!” the tourist cried, “what the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke’s wanking himself off in the bar!”
“Fair dinkum, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep”
The Great Australian Male
There are large men the whole world over on a large and varied scale,
But none of them resemble the Great Australian Male.
He’s rugged and he’s handsome, he drinks beer instead of wine,he’s always out for pleasure, of a very simple kind.
He’s either off to see the footy with a dozen cans or more, or fishing with his buddies, getting drunk along some shore.
He thinks he’s quite a lover, and he’s sexy and discreet,that he can get you in a quiver from your head down to your feet.
But when he’s got you ready, lying limpid ‘neath the sheet, you hear a snore and turn around to find him sound asleep.
He’s a funny sort of fellow with more pride than he’s got sense and if you told him he was wrong, he’d only take offence.
Oh, there are men who take you dancing, out to dinner twice a week. men who never dress in faded jeans or die to take a leak.
Yes there are men the whole world over men with “charm” and “sense of style”, but how could we compare them to The Great Australian Male
Footy Fan
A Fremantle fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Fremantle jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in an Eagles scarf.
“Hello, mate,” says St Peter, “I’m sorry, no Fremantle fans in heaven.”
“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.
“You heard. No Fremantle fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Fremantle supporter.
“Oh, really?” says St Peter. “What have you done then?”
“Well,” says the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” says St Peter, “you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke In the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your sixty bucks back, now piss off.”
Hillbilly Newlyweds
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn’t know how to go about it.
Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor.
The doctor let them look at a child’s book about where babies came from, but to no avail.
He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares.
Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie.
This was also useless.
Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch. ‘
‘Now, do you understand?” he asked.”
I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?”
