6 Feet (Down) Under

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at 2 dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his 2 dollars back.’
Chuck now works for the government.

For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an “Australian treasure!”

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

You’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


GENERAL COSGROVE:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: 
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?


GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?


GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.


GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step mom to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’ t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”

Envoyé par “Chez Luc “, établissement du fin fond du Canada, cousin du Québec…

Cliquer sur ce lien.

A) Attendre que la fille soit apparue au complet

B) Puis inscrire son prénom dans la première ligne (mettre plutôt en minuscules)

C) Et après son nom de famille dans la deuxième. Ne pas mettre pas son adresse mail, pas besoin.

D) Cliquer en bas à gauche sur : vizualizar.

C’est trop fort…

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.“How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. ” Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

Gates vs. GM
 
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
 
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
 
‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
 
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
 
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash…….Twice a day.
 
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
 
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
 
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
 
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
 
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.

I love the next one!!!
 
7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.
 
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
 
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner  as the old car.
 
10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

Merci Isa O d’avoir partagé ça avec moi

ledictionnaireanglais-quebecois.pps

Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”. “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”  

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…  30,000 to a man’s 15,000.The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men… The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”  

Creation

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !” 

Who does what

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.” Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”So she fetched the bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ………. “HEBREWS”  

The silent treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him  at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM .” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up. “Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.  

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .