6 Feet (Down) Under

Pure Aussie joke: Creation 

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.

On the Second Day God created water – for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants – to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke – to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf , drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good …. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas – to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!  

We love Sydney because … 

You make over $100,000 per year and still can’t afford a house.

You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.

You order organic fruit and vegies online, but eat out every night anyway.

You spent more money on your coffee machine than on your washing machine.

You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour/beach views and European Appliances; and then spend a total of 40 hours each week there (of which 37 are spent sleeping).

You spend 30 minutes in a traffic jam next to a car with more power to its speakers than its wheels.

You know everyone’s e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or home address.

You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe under lock and key…but couldn’t roast a chicken to save your life.

Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he moved to Australia.

Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

You can’t remember….is dope illegal?

You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can’t decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Italian or building your own website.

A man in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps gets on the bus and you don’t notice.

You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born in Sydney (but then, they are Swiss/Thai/Brazilian).

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon Lady is a drag queen.  

Diary of a Perth Summer 

August 31st: Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here. 

September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper. 

September 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. 

October 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected. 

October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this. 

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. 

October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and theAC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts. 

October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here? 

November 4th: It’s 35 degrees. Finally got the ol’ air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid place. 

November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car’s radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!! 

November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat. 

November 10th: The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can’t live in this heat. 

November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner’s gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman. Bloody Perth. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here? 

December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f*cking kidding me!!  

Typical males 

A bloke’s wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast while they were diving, he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says…”Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news”.

“Well,” says the bloke…”I guess I’d better have the bad news first?”The Sarge says…

“I’m really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says…”Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.” He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

“Geez thanks…They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that…… So what’s the other possible good news?

“Well”, the Sarge says…”if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again… 

Down Under 

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.

Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.

“What the hell!” the tourist cried, “what the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke’s wanking himself off in the bar!”

“Fair dinkum, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep”  

The Great Australian Male 

There are large men the whole world over on a large and varied scale,

But none of them resemble the Great Australian Male.

He’s rugged and he’s handsome, he drinks beer instead of wine,he’s always out for pleasure, of a very simple kind.

He’s either off to see the footy with a dozen cans or more, or fishing with his buddies, getting drunk along some shore.

He thinks he’s quite a lover, and he’s sexy and discreet,that he can get you in a quiver from your head down to your feet.

But when he’s got you ready, lying limpid ‘neath the sheet, you hear a snore and turn around to find him sound asleep.

He’s a funny sort of fellow with more pride than he’s got sense and if you told him he was wrong, he’d only take offence.

Oh, there are men who take you dancing, out to dinner twice a week. men who never dress in faded jeans or die to take a leak.

Yes there are men the whole world over men with “charm” and “sense of style”, but how could we compare them to The Great Australian Male 

Footy Fan 

A Fremantle fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Fremantle jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in an Eagles scarf.

“Hello, mate,” says St Peter, “I’m sorry, no Fremantle fans in heaven.”

“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.

“You heard. No Fremantle fans.”

“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Fremantle supporter.

“Oh, really?” says St Peter. “What have you done then?”

“Well,” says the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa.”

“Oh,” says St Peter. “Anything else?”

“Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless.”

“Hmmm. Anything else?”

“Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans.”

“Okay,” says St Peter, “you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”

Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke In the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your sixty bucks back, now piss off.”  

Hillbilly Newlyweds 

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn’t know how to go about it.

Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor.

The doctor let them look at a child’s book about where babies came from, but to no avail.

He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares.

Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie.

This was also useless.

Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch. ‘

‘Now, do you understand?” he asked.”

I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?”  

I’m hungry: 

“I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper’s undies.”

“I could eat the horse and chase the jockey.”

“So hungry I’d eat a shit sandwich, only I don’t like bread.”

“I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair.”

“So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck.” 

I’m thirsty: 

“I’m dry as a dead dingo’s donger.”

“I’m drier than a nuns nasty.”

“I’m dry as a f**k with no foreplay.”

“I’m as dry as a pommie’s bath mat.”

“I’m as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards.”

“I’m drier than an Arab’s fart.” 

I need to go for a pee: 

“Gonna drain me dragon.”

“My back teeth are floating.”

“Need to syphon the python.”

“Takin’ the kids to the pool.”

“I got to take a snakes hiss.”

“Gotta go have a slash.”

“Gonna go water a horse.”

“I’m off to drain the main vein.”

“Time to splatter the bladder.”

“I’m dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it.”

“Shake hands with the wife’s best friend.” 

I need to do a poo: 

“I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi.”

“I’m takin’ a stroll to the gravy bowl.”

“It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly.”

“Off to the bog to leave an offering.”

“Time to snap off a grogan.”

“Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave.”

“I’m gonna strangle a brownie.”

“There’s a brown dog barking at the back door.”

“I’m going to give birth to your twin.”

“Need to choke a brown dog.”

“I’ve freed Nelson Mandela.”

“Going for a Rodney.”

“Taking out the garbage.”

“I gotta back one out.”

“Release the Chocolate hostage”

“I gotta lay some cables for telstra” 

Vomit: 

“Calling for George.”

“I was driving the porcelain bus this morning.”

“I left him a lawn pizza.”

“Toss a tiger on the carpet.”

“Gotta go Ralph” 

Insults: 

“I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders.”

“Not enough brains to giv! e ‘imself a headache!”

“About as useful as tits on a bull.”

“You must be the world’s only living brain donor.”

“He’s a few wanks short of an orgasm.”

“She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard.”

“He had a head on him like a sucked mango.”

“May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.”

“He’s got a few roos loose in the top paddock.”

“So stupid that he wouldn’t know a tram was up him ’til the bell rang!”

“Couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.”

“Pull your lip over your head and swallow!”

“As ugly as a hat full of arseholes.”

“If I had a dog that looked like him, I’d shave it’s arse and make it walk backwards.”

“Got a face like a bashed in shit can.”

“Couldn’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground.”

“Couldn’t drive a greasy stick up a dog’s arse.”

“Couldn’t organise a f**k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties.”

“About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition.”

“I’ll kick your! bum till your nose bleeds!”

“A stubbie short of a six pack.”

“Seen better heads in a piss trough.”

“You’re as handy as shit on a stick.”

“Tighter than a fish’s arse.”

“So tight that he wouldn’t shout if a shark bit him.”

“Face like a smashed crab.”

“As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.”

“He could talk a dog off a meatwagon.”

“F**ked in the head.”

“You’ve got a head like a half-eaten pastie.”

“He wouldn’t go two rounds with a revolving door.”

“Mate, she’s as rough as a pigs breakfast.”

“Your face is like a twisted ugg boot.”

“He’s got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle.”

“She’s been hit with the ugly stick too many times.”

“She’s two pick handles wide.”

“An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag.”

“As ugly as a bag of spanners.”

“You’ve got a head like a dropped pie.”

“He thinks his shit don’t stink, but his farts give him away.”

“I wish his dad had settled for a blow job.”

“Fell out of the ugly ! tree, and hit every branch on the way down.”

“Your the load your mother should have swallowed”

“If I had a head like yours I’d circumcise it.”

“Wouldn’t know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs.”

“As thick as two short planks!”

“You got a head like a busted watermelon” 

Compliments: 

“Ya bloods worth bottling!”

“He’s True Blue.”

Like I always say… Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A 21-year-old German tourist who wanted to visit his girlfriend in Sydney, Australia, landed 13,000km away near Sidney, Montana, after mistyping his destination on a flight booking website.

Dressed for the Australian summer in t-shirt and shorts, Tobi Gutt left Germany yesterday for a four-week holiday. Instead of arriving “down under,” Mr Gutt found himself on a different continent and bound for the chilly state of Montana.

“I did wonder but I didn’t want to say anything,” Gutt told the Bild newspaper. “I thought to myself, you can fly to Australia via the US.” Gutt’s airline ticket routed him via the US city of Portland, Oregon, to Billings, Montana. Only as he was about to board a commuter flight to Sidney – an oil town of about 5000 people – did he realize his mistake.

Un grand ALLÔ  nos cousins du Québec qui m’ont fait connaître les Têtes à Claques : ne trouvez-vous pas leur humour rafraîchissant ? Mets-en, crisse de caribou !

L’accent québécois me manque

Je reviendrai à Montréal !!!

My good friend Kathy from Fairbanks sent me this and I thought it was hilarious.

Girls, TAKE NOTE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?”
The girl said, “NO!”
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased…. She did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had all the hot water to herself, never had pubic hairs under the toilet seat lid. She watched chick flicks, never had football on, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her butt, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked good in sweat pants and a shirt.
THE END